Allow me to introduce Eliot Glazer.
He is an actor, writer, and comedian best known for his work on New Girl, Broad City, and Younger. He’s also a brother of Ilana Glazer of Broad City.
Recently, he came across a billboard in Los Angeles depicting a website known as “Squirt.com”.
As you may have gathered from the name, it advertised a specific thing.
He took a picture of the billboard and went off on a hilariously sarcastic rant.
Here’s how he started.
Okay, so I know the world is a 😳 crazy 😳 place right now and the war on women is fervent and it is GROSS. And yes, Mel Gibson is BACK IN MOVIES and Netflix has an emancipatory documentary about Chris Brown and white people still think it’s cute to sing the “Ignition” remix at karaoke.
You can hear the sarcasm.
And the President – an admitted sexual predator clearly in the early stages of dementia – is endorsing Roy Moore, a bicycle-seat-sniffing pedophile who blamed the accusations against him on “liberals, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders, and socialists” LAST WEEK. IN PUBLIC. AT A CHURCH. IN REAL LIFE. ON EARTH.
The amount of sass in his text is bewildering.
But I just wanted to poke my head in amid this ~*~crazy holiday madness~*~ and, yes, I know you have to get back to The Grove or whatever, so I’ll make it quick: when you see a billboard for a gay hookup website called SQUIRT.ORG, please know that ***NOT ALL GAY GUYS*** are cool with this.
He also delivered a message.
We aren’t ALL hunting for “nonstop hookups” as if our penises will wilt and fall off if we’re not in a CONSTANT state of fucking. Believe it or not, sometimes we DO think about things other than fucking! Some of us like crossword puzzles. Ooh, and naps! And pizza parties! Some of us like astronomy! Others might be seen at a sporting event, museum or perhaps a concert. Some of us get paper cuts every now and then!
As well as very sarcastic opinions.
And some of us even WEAR SHIRTS occasionally, although SQUIRT DOT ORG (brb – I taste bile) (…ok I’m back) would have you think otherwise. There really aren’t many outlets or soapboxes that seem appropriate for reminding you that we’re not all as one-dimensional as the evil gay grandpas behind this creepy billboard and company.
All in all, it was a loud start to the holiday season.
This shit is toxic AF and only makes the rest of us look worse by default, so please stop looking at it, k? It could even stick with you on a subconscious level, and you’ll absentmindedly give your gay nephew a butt plug for Christmas and YOU WON’T REMEMBER WHERE YOU BOUGHT IT.
Oh, and also, we have Grindr. Seriously, who uses a browser anymore???
k byeeeee &🎄HAPPY HOLIDAYS!🎄