The worst of 2017.
Or the best, if you love laughing at other people’s misery. So if you do, we have a treat for you. (Okay, maybe I wouldn’t call it a treat specifically.)
If you had a bad year and wanted to make yourself feel better, this is the list for you. We have compiled the worst stories of 2017 from wedding disasters to disgusting sex. We have it all but are you really ready for this? Beware, as there are some seriously disgusting things ahead.
#1 Wedding disaster.
I had severe diarrhea during my wedding. My husband was reading his vows, and all of a sudden liquid crap started flowing out of me. My wedding dress had a long tail, and the crap caught the tail.
When I finally ran off to get changed 20 minutes later, the tail left a streak of crap all over the ground.
#2 The painful sex.
I hooked up with a guy who had the most enormous penis I’d ever seen. Rather than chickening out, I grabbed the lube and attempted to make it fit.
I have dyspepsia, a condition that makes sex very painful, and his dick ended up ripping the lower part of my vagina, à la giving-birth-style.
I had to have an episiotomy, which meant stitches from my vagina to my ass.
#3 Vomit glasses.
I worked in a restaurant where we’d leave empty glasses on the table. A woman in the restaurant didn’t feel well and started to vomit, but instead of running to the bathroom, she started grabbing the empty water glasses and throwing up into them.
She filled all the glasses on her table and even started grabbing them from others. She filled about five glasses with her vomit in the middle of the restaurant and left them on the table for the server to clean up. The worst part? She didn’t even tip.
#4 Shitty sex.
One of my friends decided to try anal with her boyfriend… but her dad walked in while they were having sex. Her boyfriend pulled out super fast, which caused her to shit all over his dick/stomach/chest.
Apparently the smell was so awful that he then started to throw up. Poor dad saw the whole damn thing.
#5 The first date.
I was asked out by a cute coworker. He picked me up at my house and came inside to introduce himself to my parents. My grandma happened to be there and said, ‘Eric, it’s so great to see you. I just had coffee with your mom.’
I asked my grandma how she could possibly know Eric, and she said, ‘His mom and I are cousins.’ We had absolutely no idea we were related, but we were so glad she was there to tell us.
We totally dodged a bullet and swore to never tell anyone at work what happened.”
#6 Allergic to blowjobs.
Years ago I dated a guy from work and gave him a blow job. He randomly started distancing himself from me, but later on we grabbed drinks. He asked me, ‘Do you remember what you had for lunch on Sunday?’
I had no idea, but he said, ‘You had cashew chicken… I’m allergic to cashews.’ Apparently his dick had exploded into a swollen, itchy, red, skin-peeling member from the blow job I gave him. Whoops.
#7 Splitting pain.
My mother was a nurse, and a guy came in with his foot SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE – I’m talking, like, between his toes to his ankle. He accidentally ran it over with a tractor.
#8 Tip of the ear.
I let a girl in my college dorm pierce my cartilage with a gun she bought off the Internet. So, I thought I was the coolest, but I ended up with a serious infection and flesh-eating bacteria that ate away the tip of my ear.
I definitely learned an important lesson: Go to a professional so you don’t lose any body parts!”
#9 The intern.
I interned for a talk show in college and was sent out to pick up a guest from the airport and was told to keep him occupied for a few hours until it was time to shoot.
The guy was super creepy and quiet while we grabbed lunch and went bowling. When we finally got to the studio, my producer ran up to me, panicked, and asked how it went.
I told her it was fine but asked why she was scared. She said, ‘Oh my god, they didn’t tell you? He’s here today because he’s accused of shooting his daughter and her boyfriend in the back of the head with a shotgun, and his family wants him to take a polygraph.’
They literally sent me out with a potential murderer all day and didn’t tell me!
#10 Pee hair.
I got a call from a resident who told me that her roommate had PEED IN HER HAIR.
Luckily they peed in her weave that wasn’t attached to her head, but still! The girl who peed then tried to deny it?!