I used to live with depression.
People didn’t seem to notice it because I was always smiling while talking to them and making jokes which made my personality look bright and joyful, while I was actually dark inside, full of sadness and lost hope.
#22 Feeling sorry.
People don’t realize that I say sorry before I even think about expressing any opinions because that’s how worthless I feel. I’m apologizing for feeling anything about anything because that’s how little I feel I matter.
They don’t just know I feel like apologizing for even breathing in their general direction. I even say I’m sorry before asking to use the bathroom no matter how long I’ve held it.
I feel like a burden for biological needs I have no control over.
#23 Basic needs.
Neglecting to do basic things like laundry, not wanting to cook a meal or eat. They think I’m being lazy.
The struggle to get out of bed and get off the couch is hell. The physical pain that exists.
The house always a mess because no one else will or can do anything and I get blamed which all just makes the depression worse. The thinking about what I need to do makes me anxiety paralyzing.
Not having a job and physically not being able to even look for one after all the rejection.
People think I’m lazy.
I know a clean house helps me feel better, helps me socialize, causes peace and calmness, I want to and I try, but I just can’t. And I know a job will give me purpose and reduce stress by adding some financial stability to my family.
I really want one and perhaps that is why it is so heartbreaking every time those phone calls don’t come.
#25 Extreme fatigue.
That I’m fighting through a wall of separation when I talk to them. That sometimes I blank or delay in answering because I’m still trying to process what they’re saying.
That when I reach out to them it’s after an agonizing period of trying not to. I don’t want to burden people with my shit, but sometimes I just need to hear someone’s voice.
That my everyday is marked with extreme fatigue and exhaustion. That everything for me takes much much longer.
That I am completely envious of people who are full of life and genki af. That I wish my life was nothing but optimism and bliss, that I felt a zest for life and was overflowing with energy. That that is who I really am behind all the junk they have to see and put up with. That I wish I could just ignore it all and have fun.
#26 Social gatherings.
Hiding out in my room for hours at a time watching Netflix or Hulu to distract my mind or taking frequent trips to the bathroom or into another room at social gatherings because social situations sometimes get to me.
I volunteer for everything from going to pto meetings to baby sitting to cleaning someone else’s house for them.
I surround myself with situations and obligations that force me to get out of bed & get out of the house because if I’m not needed, I won’t be wanted..
Sometimes I’ll go days without speaking to anybody. People tend to believe I’m ignoring them on purpose when really I am just lost within myself. I don’t mean to seem like I’m pushing people away.
Some days it’s hard when my thoughts consume me and when I can’t find the motivation to simple things that others do on a daily basis.
I have often been accused of having “no sense of humor”. So wrong. Before depression took over my life I smiled, and laughed, as much as the next person.
Now, having lived with depression for over 15 years, the humor I find in a joke, or situation, is rarely visible on my face or heard in my laugh. I feel humor, but it’s just too much effort to express it. I don’t have the energy.
Sleeping, anxiety, not eating, feeling worthless, direction less, not wanting to impose my worthless direction less self on other people, being completely exhausted by having to keep the outer mask in place.
(Which is why I’m antisocial– simply being upbeat enough to order coffee at Starbucks will sometimes rinse me for the afternoon).