Sometimes all I can ask for is a vacation without my husband and kids

No it’s not a line that I stole from some egocentric feminist manifesto. It’s not even a declaration of independence from family and responsibilities. It’s perhaps only an outcry of the wild soul buried deep down the heart of a housewife and a responsible Mom. It’s perhaps the wildest desire that bore, dull and disciplined married life failed to kill and I nurture this desire every now and then. So, I’d go to those YouTube channels or Pinterest boards of the people who are lucky enough to leave home every now and then, and to leave for a new destination. I’d go to those channels or boards and spend hours on those exotic locations, and fantasize about a vacation without my husband or kids.

So when I think of vacations, I think of exotic beaches and lush green valleys and snow-covered mountains and orient cities with English billboards (to make things interesting and easy for a western tourist). However, vacations with family turn out to be a disaster for most of the housewives. I’ve been listening to friends who need more vacations to overcome the fatigue that their oh so lovely vacation gave them. The worst thing about a vacation is not planning, packing and traveling, but taking care of other travelers. Eventually, for a housewife, it all boils down to packing nappies, kids crying, husband yelling and a back pain telling her that although she’s on a vacation, it’s not HER vacation.

So, hell yes! Color me bad, rebellious, selfish of whatsoever comes to your mind, I want absolute freedom from family; not forever, but at least for a given period of time during which no one is supposed to interfere with my dream vacation. This is my idea of dream vacation! And a travel agent who get to serve a meek housewife and a Mom, is the world luckiest travel agent! Ask me why and I’ll give you plethora of very valid reasons.

First of all, I would be the least fussy client a travel agent might have. There is no denying it; no one can be more well-mannered, disciplined and less-complaining than a housewife and a Mom! So, I would settle for a lowly hotel in a very mediocre locality if the toilet is clean and bed is free of bugs! I’d even sacrifice the phenomenal room with a view, if I get a small and tidy room, with blackout windows or curtains, to sleep all day long or simply walk naked.

However, you must not think that I am a lowlife; it’s just that I have my own idea of luxury. While I would have no problem with a mediocre hotel and a room which falls into a just fine category, I have my own obsessions. First of these very few demands is a king-size bed. No! Don’t you dare empathize with me, unless you are a married woman with two toddlers and one school-going kid. Unless you have had many sleepless nights with a husband snoring like a horse and with a baby constantly kicking your nose and your chin, you can never have an idea of how bad a housewife and a mother of three needs a king-sized bed of her own. Also, I would like to have a decent free breakfast, a fridge, a microwave and a T.V. (not a big LED, but just a meek, little colored television) in my room.

My distrust of my family would leave no choice but to give them a fake hotel address and a fake phone number. However, to be more on the safe side, I’d love to disconnect the phone to make sure that chubby-cheeked front-desk lady cannot call and complain about the volcanic eruptions of laughter occurring on account of some awesome late-night shows.

However, the fake address and phone number would not be the only cruel thing that I’ll do to my family. In addition to them, I’ll also leave a note, to my family, stating that I will not return until the kitchen is tidy and all appliances start working perfectly fine: most importantly the microwave and the dishwasher, the washrooms have no smell but only that of the cleaning chemicals, carpets don’t smell like fresh toddler urine and sofa-sets don’t have those chocolate stains anymore. Now, before you start thinking that I am a sadist, being the best mom and wife that I am, I will also leave some instant cooking recipes to help my beloved husband with the kitchen errands.

So, before I get to step out of the Lala land and try to understand why my youngest toddler is crying so bad, I would like to tell you last wish on my vacation bucket list. And let me tell you, it is not going to Himalayas or sunbathing in Sherm El Sheikh, but it is a very simple and affordable one. It is nothing, but to lay naked in my king-sized bed with nothing covering a single inch of my body, except, may be, lots and lots of food wrappers, tourism and leisure magazines and obviously, new items from previous shopping list. And I’ll spend my day and nights thanking my family for giving me this much needed respite and patting my back to say “Screw you!” to the married and mommy-ed life and get out for an adventure that will enable me to be a wife and mom again (of same old ones though).